December 2009
45 posts
tonight’s party preparations include cleaning the toilet coz you then know ppl are throwing up only from the alcohol
New Year’s is when you think of new resolutions you’ll break the following year.
i’m guessing that at&t lobbied VA for the 70mph limit so that ppl passing thro’ won’t notice their pathetic coverage
in a recent report, batteries have surpassed diamonds as woman’s best friend
Pro tip: do NOT run on wood porch on winter mornings with leather soled shoes when late - especially with the holidays coming up.
what they don’t tell you about vacuum cleaners, is that they also suck your life out of you
“If you have a three- second sneeze at 60mph, you are blinded for a staggering 264 feet.” - Jeremy Clarkson
yeah, load up on that Purell. it comes free with immunity destroying moisturizers, so you’re good.
thought of asking this bro about his polyethene bags vest in the sauna, but didn’t. what if he’d decided to punch the next one who asked?
I’m beginning to think that the only one getting *any* action around here is the shower head.
texting while driving is illegal. except while stalking shoppers returning to their cars at the overflowing mall. related: go, economy!
Bedtime Stories is a poor rip off from Big Fish, which was waay better than this bucket of BS.
was watching Planet 51… didn’t realize that the name says the planet was stuck in the 50s till the last line. also? i’m an idiot.
i’m beginning to think my cough & cold viruses have become nyquil junkies…withdrawal symptoms all day till they get their nightly fix
i’m an old guy trapped in a young body
at Grand Central yest, i saw a sports store with a runner’s mannequin dressed up as Santa. clearly, the store manager’s never seen Santa be4
I hope no one’s proposed me via farmville or mafia wars coz I’ve blocked those out and would hate to die without knowing
great! i take one day off work, and find that it happens to be the shortest day of the whole year!
hey Tiger Woods, you’re falling off the charts. got any more aces up your sleeve?
of all the advice i got regarding medicine for my seemingly incessant cough, going by the numbers, the most popular one seems to be booze
trust a room full of MBA candidates to poke fastidious holes in a completely fictional business plan and you see where the economy is going
that guy must be from Tundra region, coz all are decked in winterwear, while he’s in shorts and a tshirt that should have said “hi sissies”
who invited these unicorns to the party anyway? and one of them is forcing my eyelids shut. it also has this bottle of nyquil in its… zzz
it’s amazing how Twitter knows exactly when I want to look at something really interesting coz that’s when it is overcapacity
today morning i found that i got awesome abs almost overnight. must have been all that coughing yesterday.
seems there are too many “people familiar with this report” in this report … http://online.wsj.com/article/SB126102247889095011.html
sorry, Gandhi. maybe you didn’t have a nasty spider or mosquito problem growing up, but i’m killing these buggers on sight.
frustrated coworker on the phone : “you’re talking to Sue. <pause> “oh. that’s s-u-e. s as in …”
RT @jakemarsh: I love that I’m a big enough geek to know what all of these things are. RT @robrohan: The best xkcd ever! http://xkcd.com …
frustrated coworker on the phone <cont.> : …”a boy fixed your computer?? i wanna talk to that boy.”
dear cnn, if someone develops a tumor, THATS a developing story. not tiger woods not attending golf tournaments http://tinyurl.com/ydcxruv
my coworkers seem a bit too excited for the holidays. I’m gonna switch all the coffee supplies in the pantry to decaf till the 24th.
people who open restroom doors holding paper napkins certainly have tissues
the last time i actively dated must have been in high school. wait. that was in my past life.
i’m guessing “We put the wrench in GoodWrench” would be a bad slogan for GoodWrench.
i hate it when ppl i ask directions start with “it’s very easy” as if i’m a stupid moron. obviously, you dumb fuck, or u wouldn’t have known
i guess most mothers wouldn’t be as fat if they quit tasting baby food all the time
“Why is the rum always gone?” - Captain Jack Sparrow
this social media shit is totally retarded man. the other day i put a pic of my booger and now it’s top rated.
her: “Do i look fat in this?” him: rubbing eyes “darn! something’s got into my eyes”
“I may be coming down with a cold”, he said from top of the stairs.
who says i’m not popular with the women…Lady Luck does me all the time.
darn. out of TP again. but wait there’s my roomie’s stupid soft toy… what.
help I’ve fallen and can’t …hey, nice carpet!
whoa! easy with the weights there now, grandpa. here, let me help you with your walking stick. #rathernotsay